losanjealous.com - DF Airs Resentments & Previews LA Derby Dolls Bout (Cookies v. Sirens, 5/19/12 @ Doll Fac)

A certain Elvis Depressley once sang, “I bear more grudges than lonely high court judges.” Oh, is that all? Because DF is the Guinness-book world-record grudge-holding ninja master of all time, and lonely high court judges aren’t fit to hold his grudge-holding jock. As it were.

Point being, DF’s a bitter soul and cultivates a lush garden of resentments relating to events that go back time out of mind. Some choice examples by way of illustration:

Third grade. A mean classmate repeatedly teased DF with the devastating schoolyard taunt, “Fatty fatty two-by-four.” When the classic retorts “I know you are but what am I” and “Please for the love of god stop teasing me, it hurts my heart” proved ineffective, I turned to voodoo, poking pins into an effigy of my psychic assailant. And it worked! Three months later, the bully suffered a mild head cold and had to stay home from school for two days. Don’t mess with DF, small children, or he will kick your ass using the power of voodoo!

High school, sophomore year. An equally mean, and substantially more violent, bully repeatedly inflicted swirlies, wedgies, and locker-stuffings on DF. Not to be trifled with, I attended a football game where the bully was playing quarterback for the high school pigskin squadron and booed lustily whenever he touched the ball. The result? The hated bully completed only 34 of his 36 passes! Those two misses were clearly due to DF’s diabolical psychological revenge, served up delectably ice cold.

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